Vulnerability Isn’t Weakness, It’s the Door to Trust and Real Connection

Rand Selig writes about thriving like someone who has had to earn it.

In Thriving!, he’s open about challenges that could have pushed him toward emotional distance, a difficult relationship with a forceful, emotionally distant father, and a chronic, limiting physical condition. Yet he describes how doing the work over many years helped him grow into “a more well-rounded, balanced, integrated, authentic, and happy life,” with more “compassion, humility, and gratitude.”

That matters because it points to a truth many of us learn late: the moments that make us feel most exposed can also be the moments that make us most real. And real is what builds strong relationships.

Why vulnerability feels so risky (and why we numb it)

Selig ties vulnerability to a painful fear, shame, the sense that we are not good enough. When that fear flares up, a common reaction is to clamp down, become more rigid, and try to be perfect as a way to feel safe.

Then he drops a line that explains a lot of modern relationships in one shot: the coping mechanism for vulnerability is often to numb vulnerability. And “since we can’t selectively numb,” we numb joy, happiness, and gratitude too.

This is why some people can look successful and still feel emotionally flat. They are not heartless. They are protecting themselves.

The cost shows up quietly:

Conversations get “fine,” but not close.
Work gets done, but people stop telling the truth.
Love is present, but it doesn’t feel fully received.

What Rand Selig means by “wholehearted”

Selig makes a crucial distinction in Thriving!: vulnerability is often seen as weakness, but there is “a type of vulnerability that shows our strength and presence.”

He connects that strength to belonging. When we establish genuine connections with others, we can experience love and a sense of belonging, and we believe we’re worthy just as we are. He calls this being “wholehearted.”

Wholeheartedness is not about oversharing. It’s about letting your real self be seen. Selig writes that it takes courage to acknowledge imperfections, to relinquish control, and to welcome vulnerability. Done well, it creates a grounded inner message: “I am enough,” which can lead to authenticity (who you really are).

One of the most underrated lines in Thriving! is this: people who fully accept vulnerability often realize it makes them “beautiful and attractive to others.”

Not polished. Not perfect. Reachable.

Trust is built in small moments of emotional awareness

Selig treats trust as practical, not vague. In Thriving!, trust can mean:

being dependable,
keeping your word,
having good judgment,
communicating and including people,
and being safe with someone else’s feelings.

Then he asks questions that cut through excuses:

“Are you oblivious to my feelings? Do you know them? Do you ask? Do you care? Do you ignore my feelings? Do you intentionally hurt my feelings?”

This is where vulnerability becomes real life.

Vulnerability is not only “I shared something personal.” It’s also “I noticed you.” It’s “I asked.” It’s “I included you.” It’s emotional awareness practiced out loud.

If you want more context on how Selig links vulnerability with trust in everyday relationships and leadership, these related posts fit naturally alongside this one:

Vulnerability at work, why the strongest leaders stop pretending

One of the bold moves in Thriving! is that Selig does not keep vulnerability in the private corner of life. He places it inside “empowering relationships,” describing a range from “shut down” to “opened up,” and then asks a question that belongs on every leader’s desk:

“In your relationships, do you create opportunities for collaboration and encourage others to share their talents, interests, and unique qualities? Do you exhibit vulnerability, openheartedness, wholeheartedness, and emotional awareness?”

He also reframes leadership itself. In Selig’s view, leadership and management are reciprocal relationships. The outdated approach is command and control, top-down. The healthier approach is to connect.

Connection, as he describes it, looks like:

going beyond ego and overcoming fear,
thanking people,
listening well,
sharing something personal,
walking others through the process and why (instead of simply announcing a conclusion).

He names a paradox that can change how you speak in meetings, and how you show up at home: “by relinquishing power,” the temporary power of speaking, asserting, and knowing, “we become more powerful.”

That is not soft. That is brave.

How to open up without turning it into a performance

Thriving! is designed as a workbook, full of questions meant to lead to action. Staying faithful to Selig’s own approach, here are practical choices he points toward, without adding anything extra.

1) Tell the truth about where you are on the spectrum

Selig invites self-assessment and asks, “How do you assess yourself on these continuums? Specifically, what can you do to improve?”

Start there. Not with self-judgment, with clarity.

Are you shut down or opened up, with your partner, your kids, your team, your friends?

2) Trade control for listening

Selig writes that effective relationships require listening for another person’s frame of reference, listening in a way that affirms and respects them. He urges us to ask questions and to engage in dialogue rather than debate.

If you want one clean signal of healthy vulnerability, it is this: you stop acting like you already know, and you get curious about what is true for the other person.

3) Share something personal, then explain your “why”

Selig includes “sharing something personal about ourselves” as a way to model leadership, and he notes it can create vulnerability and takes courage.

He also suggests that when people struggle to digest a conclusion, we can walk them through the thinking and the reasons. That transparency builds trust because it lowers fear and guesswork.

4) Create “believe-in” by letting people contribute

Selig is clear that credibility and competency matter, but he also writes that buy-in grows when we value others’ opinions, do not tell them everything to do, and let them contribute.

You do not have to be the only strong voice in the room to be a strong leader.

The hidden gift of vulnerability: it keeps love alive

Selig writes in Thriving! that “the more open we are, the more we receive love,” and he shares a haunting line: “the love we withhold is the only source of pain we have when we die.” He even pledges to tell people more often what he loves about them while he is still living.

This is the heart of the whole message.

Vulnerability is not about being dramatic. It’s about being available. It’s about not waiting until it’s too late to say what is true.

So here is a question worth taking seriously, straight from the spirit of Rand Selig’s Thriving!:

In the relationships that matter most to you, where are you withholding, and what would change if you opened up just enough to be seen?

Vulnerability Builds Trust, Strengthen Bonds at Work